Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Choose your Facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing

   likes the video of james and wade mocking dirk...i also like the one where dirk mocks them...oh wait there aint one because they aint never around during this series!!!

   I used to suffer from major blackouts. This one time,...I have no idea what happened.

   Just once somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!

   Taking your little Kids on a vacation with you to Vegas, is the same as taking a blind man to look at christman lights .. Just sayin!

   "6 packs of smokes. A case of beer. 2 box's of condoms. A lotto ticket & $2.00 gas on pump 8" ... Now thats a friday night thats ready for a good time but aint going far!!

   Have you heard of that brand new men's cologne that just came out called "Umpire"? It's for Foul Balls.

   Dear hackers, Until you break the great firewall of China, I'm not impressed.

   When I was a kid I used to call my house after curfew wait for my mom to answer and say, 'I got it Mom' then hang up and stay out all night.

   Ladies just cuz he locks his phone when he leaves the room doesn't mean hes cheatin...Now if he locks his phone...then takes the battery out...then moves the bookshelf which leads to an vault that he puts his phone in...Then ok maybe hes cheating

   Selena Gomez was rushed to a local hospital suffering from nausea and a severe headache. .....She's probably been infected by Bieber fever....

   If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear , you can hear the ghetto .

   when a phone,beeps,vibrates and flashes to tell you it is low on batteries its like a homeless person burning 50 $ bills to show you he's poor

   What would have happened if Libya's main export product was broccoli?

   I know God doesn't make mistakes but I question some of the places he put hair on the human body.

   You ever notice how awful your face looks in public restrooms full of fluorescent lights? Every cut, scrap, scratch, scar, scab, zit, bump, blemish, and pimple you had all seem to come out at the same time.

   S.O.B.E.R. = Son on a B!tch, EVERTHING's REAL

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.