Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   any girl can be cute with the right amount of makeup

   Holy shat Marty McFly turns 50 today. (I could insert a Parkinson's joke here but that would be rude)

   It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

   Heres one for MythBusters: See if she can really suck a golf ball thru a garden hose.

   about to play with all the big, cute doggys at the police station

   The Awkward moment when this random person waves at you, so you wave back and then you figure out they where waving to the person behind you :O

   wonders.. Why do we say "heads up" when we actually mean duck?

   Pulling your phone out in front of your friends has the same effect as yawning.

   Dear women::: Would it kill you to have a beer and watch the game instead of nagging..!!!!!

   If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.

   Kim Kardasian is marrying a player on the New Jersey Nets. At least someone on that team is scoring!

   Facebook .... the online version of "Jerry Springer" .... but more entertaining.....

   Mom trying to play Call of Duty, and she thinks the Kill Cam is her killing someone. Getting tired of hearing "I GOT ONE!".....every 5 seconds...

   Hooters girls may be hot, but subway girls are wife material. They stand behind the counter, put whatever you want on your sandwich, and then clean up the kitchen

   feels like this thing has turned into an FML website... but they arent even funny now

   If I ever get married again, the woman I marry must have worked at Subway at some point in their life. I need to know they have experience making me sammiches. :-)

   If you need help in a hurry at Best Buy... just begin shoving a CD in your pants.

   That awkward moment when you've been drinking, waiting for your girl come over and she calls to say she being arrested and needs you to come get her car from the cops before it gets impounded.

   I hate it when you are driving on the freeway and someone cuts in front of you so you flip them off, only to have them put their hand up in a gesture of "thanks".

   asks...the difference between my boss and the pope? The pope only expects me to kiss his ring