Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damit.... I woke up with a pulse. I supose this means I should get dressed now....

   BREAKING NEWS Charlie Sheen is upset because someone one else is weining

   I hate when my winks and happy faces are split.. and continued on the next line :-/

   Jamie Lee Curtis is in a new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop..It's caled Paranormal Activia

   Mrs Schwarzenegger say to her housekeeper, "oh Patricia,I suspect my husband is having an affair with his secretary" Patricia replies, "No ma, you saying that just to make me feel jealous"

   Dear Facebook, I can't believe you still haven't gotten that dislike button. Sincerely, YouTube.

   There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.

   My girlfriend always complains that I don't take her anywhere expensive.. So I took her to the Gas Station.

   Married with Children is the best comedy out there right now! 25 years on...when are Comedies going to be worth watching?

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.

   Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend ...

   Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease and irritate each other, knock each other down, but can't live without each other.

   If a genie were to give me 3 wishes... goodbye Kardashians!

   My girlfriend says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?

   wants everyone to know that June is "Chafing Month"!!

   ladies, is your computer running slow? There's a simple fix: PUT OUT MORE! Your man is downloading too much porn!

   8yrs ago my wife decided to keep me when nobody else would. I bet she regrets that at least every other day. I definitely got the better half of the deal. Happy Anniversary Honey. Love you lots. And a special thanks to you, Facebook for reminding me;)

   Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and shi!s!

   I love long, romantic walks to the fridge ♥