Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.

   My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently. ;)

   I'm sad my kids have left to Summer Camp for 2 weeks. I no longer have an excuse to watch iCarly while they're gone...

   Cheese Doritos are like cheese covered razors if you chew a moth full to fast

   I saw on the television today that Huggies diaper's have come out with a new Levi design.What's next, bib-overall depend's for grandpa?....

   Here is a episode for mythbusters------do fat chicks really give better head

   If there was some kind of memory disease, I would be on stage 10

   #ThoughtsWhileLosingVirginity.........."So this is what all the hype is about huh"

   I suffer from schizophrenia. (I really don't.) Do. (Don't.) Do. (Don't!) Do! (Shut up!) NO, YOU SHUT UP! (Poo Poo head) THATS IT! (what?) I hate you. (i know)

   Looking for a new job. One that I can sit at a long table, take off my glasses, and say "If your calculations are correct...my God have mercy on our souls" Pay negotiable

   available for rebound sex.

   nice guys finish last, and bring you breakfast in bed.

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called everybody. They meet at the bar.

   in a arguement yelling is the next best thing to being right

   My name is I, My problem is LOVE, The solution is YOU.

   Cant wait to see CBS new show this fall :: Celebrity maids:: women compete to be Arnold's new maid..

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   next time you go to a restaurant and ask for a Coke, and they say "is Pepsi OK?", you should reply "is Monopoly money OK?"