Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i almost rather burn than have to change my smoke detector battery

   There are a lot of great talents in Youtube compared to these overrated, Auto Tuned signed hypes...

   We don't go to high school to find our husband, but to find our bridesmaids.

   Never fall for those get rich quick schemes. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

   We all have the power to change one thing a day in our lives...besides underwear.

   Bring the past only if you are going to build from it.

   Osama Binladen.. comming soon to a beach near you...

   Who goes clubbing in tight jeans with no underwear and forgets to do his fly up? I'm that guy

   I always feel like I make a connection with a waitress whenever they take my order

   Supervisors never get sick but their employees are sick throughout half the year...

   asked the dunkin donuts drive thru if the frozen hot chocolate is frozen or hot. The response was ...interesting. Try it!

   I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty confident I could win a spelling be.

   Hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go, to bust my a$$ for very little cash, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

   the awkward moment when you find yourself typing awkward moment status updates

   Wanna make money through Facebook? Login to FB, Goto Accounts, Account Settings, Deactivate your account and Start Working!!

   Dear Heart {♥} , Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it...

   lovin' this cold front of 93* its better than tha temp we been havin 103*...sincerely Alabama

   When will women ever learn? Never introduce your man to your hotter friend.

   it's very easy for a woman to impress a man. Just show up naked and bring beer.

   I was walking down the street and saw my Arab friend shaking a rug on his porch. I shouted out to him "What's wrong Ahmed, won't start?"