Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex."

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much.

   Pink had her baby girl last night.... What color is it?

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.

   I missed my 5 minute window for a Jack Kevorkian joke. Dammit... now they have all been done to death.

   It's true that fame is unimportant. No matter how great a man is, the size of his funeral usually depends on the weather.

   jamming out to my Best of Rebecca Black Collection.

   did NOT wake up this morning feeling like P. Diddy. :-(

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman

   Exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   RIP Jack Kevorkian dead at 83. Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.

   dont force me to show my attitude...trust me m really good at it

   How do I stay looking so slim?.... well, once a week I do a 40 hour famine....it's for a good cause.... you should sponsor me....

   Glad to hear Dr. Jack Kevorkian died doing what he loved... dying.

   Can pregnant people use the car pool lane?