Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many of my friends are one night stand babies!

   I want a BANG. "Bright Attractive Non-Nagging Girl."

   Anybody got a recepie for cicadas?

   Here is a episode for mythbusters....once you go black ,do you never go back?

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake

   Teach me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, lets yahoo it"....Sincerely Google

   The sex is better when they don't belong to you.

   instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"... laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   Why am I able to walk for miles with no problem, but as soon as I look for my house keys, I start doing the pee-pee dance?

   hanging up her spoon after a hard days s*it stiring.

   I bought the new Kurt Cobain Bobble Head doll....but now the d@mn head keeps popping off it.....

   Dr. Jack Kevorkian can finally get those pesky patient opinion surveys filled out!

   Thankfully, I don't suffer from homophobia. I do however, suffer from homophonia (irrational fear of words that sound the same but have different meanings).

   I always ask myself WWJDD? (What Would Johnny Depp Do?) That seems to work for me.

   Ev1 says it's not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean, well I ain't never seen no small ship make big waves!!

   Apparently Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of..

   when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it but she is giving you a 2nd change to say it right

   says when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it, but she is giving you a 2nd chance to say it right

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.