Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think this year for Madden '12 they should add a feature for the "lock out". You can be owners and players arguing over millions and billions of dollars, charge hundreds of dollars for tickets, work about 5 months out of the year and never have to worry

   Dear Every Rapper Alive, The same word used in consecutive sentences is not a rhyme, it is the same word used in consecutive sentences... Please Lil Wayne and Drake, work on that... thanks, Dave :-)

   ok, a little English pronunciation lesson, mostly because it drives me crazy... Coupon: [koo-pon].... straight from the dictionary... IT IS NOT QUE-pon!!!

   Oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing Facebook on my phone.

   I feel about as lucky as a dude that is attracted to "butch" lesbians...

   thank you Blake Lively for taking nude pictures of yourself and having them leaked to the internet, Mila Kunis, please follow!

   Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   I'm not sure who was on the elevator before me but they left all of their cologne in here. All of it.

   Grammatically correct affirmations? Now, that is something about which I am talking.

   A woman has just looked through the window whilst I was playing with myself.

   Friday's smell like vodka

   and they have been telling me for years, salad was good for me, well f'ck that i'm sticking to chips.

   Brand new scientifically proven weight loss lipstick... Superglue

   If you are wearing Uggz with cargo shorts, you need to get your life together!!!!!!

   There is nothing worse than smelling something disgusting and you're sitting by yourself. Is it me? Is it blowing in through the window? Is there a corpse rotting in the corner?

   Nobody believes you're serious until the first nose is broken.

   And remember kids it's very dangerous to drive with a flat. But that chipotle was well worth it :)

   i guess if you got the last name weiner, you better advertise it!

   a huge heart. Just haven't found a woman that can wrap her arms all the way around it yet.