Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking about posting a pic of myself in my underwear in support of my congressman Anthony Weiner........

   Hide and Seek scores are out! Remote Control: 16. Me: 0

   Why haven't we seen a photo of Rep. Weiner's backside? Can't have a wiener without a bun.......Right??

   The thing that I miss the most about being young? Knowing everything.

   Dear drivers, unless you have the eyes of a chameleon. Please don't text and drive.

   I've just finished writing an epic new film series about dyslexic vampires. It's called the Twiglet Saga.

   The awkward moment when halfway through telling a story you realize it is pointless.

   #AwkwardMoment empty restroom and he comes to the urinal right next to you......(-___-)

   Walmart is coming to South Africa. Finally I can get in on all the walmart jokes and stuff posted here.

   Use tSpelling bee on ESPN. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball.

   Spelling bee on @espn. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball

   You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

   having people over for dinner. They asked what they could bring, I said dinner,

   if a comedian is in a wheelchair, is it still stand up comedy? No, but it would still be wheelie funny.

   "I'm in!" - Flynn

   Dear boys with no shirt in their profile picture, I like your phone. Sincerely, hunny you have no abs

   I guarantee you that the iPhone 5 will be easier to break

   Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

   Awkward Moment - realizing you've posted an Awkward moment status that you thought was funny, and no one else does.

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.