Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was in Quickstop earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie. I stabbed her in the eye with a pen. Better safe than sorry.

   I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support. Will they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

   NOTE: The term "Proper Sense" has now replaced the term "Common Sense" because Common Sense is NOT so common anymore!

   I was born intelligent - education ruined me

   Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak

   How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

   Happy Hurricane Season.......

   I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

   If it wasn't for professional wrestling the companies that make metal trash cans would go out of business

   I really thought my ex was joking when she said my obsession with the Monkees would cause us to divorce. Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.

   Some days it's just too hot for pants :)

   Alone is not bad, remember to be murdered is normally in the company off at least one other person

   Hey youtubers, if your clip wasn't funny the first time around chances are reshowing it in slow mo isn't going to make it any funnier.

   if I was any more stressed I would complain but I'm not so I wont. instead I choose to be thankful that fart didnt smell that bad.

   I could care less about Kim Kardashians wedding, the size of her ring or the size of her @ss!

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   When a woman says “What?” It's not because didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!