Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever since watching Extreme Couponing I hate grocery shopping even more!!!!

   People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

   When I say “wow, that's crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven't been listening to a word of your conversation.

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.

   I hate it when people lie, especially when you know the truth about what they are lying about.

   I went to an italian restaurant for lunch, but there was a fat girl at the door and I couldn't get PASTA

   Sean Kingston says 'somebody call 911'

   I'm bad with stains. Does anyone know how to get fat out from under a t-shirt?

   Kim Kardashian wants her bachelorette party to be low key, just an E! camera crew and 100 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   Extreme Makeover is spinning off a new series starring Donald Trump... it's called Extreme Combover

   you didn't make it to my present or future cause i'm passed your bullsh*t

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face, and now I believe her...

   I got a new phone Friday, it has Texas Hold 'em installed and OH MY FREAKING GOSH IS IT SUNDAY ALREADY?????

   By the time my vacation is over my memory foam will have lost itz mind! :)

   ROFLSHMSFOAIDMT-Rolling On Floor Laughing So Hard My Sombrero Falls Off And I Drop My Taco...

   Ever heard yourself sing in the shower and wondered why the f$#! you havent released an album yet??..

   Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...

   Get over here! --------------⇀ ➣➣➣➣ (O_O)

   I always feel a little guilty when I swallow my multi-vitamin with beer.