Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.

   Remember: When strangers offer you drugs, take them, because drugs are expensive!!

   Am I the only one that thinks Snookie is starting to look like an Umpa Lumpa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

   I use my cell phone as backlighting at night when I flip someone off so they can better see my finger.

   now enemies with you and 5 other people.

   Why does Stevie Wonder love seeded hamburger rolls? Because of the jokes written on top.

   if alcohold is made from old fruit then I exceed my daily requirements by a long shot

   Uhh Sorry Mom & Dad, but I don't think washing behind my ears was the most important place to get cleaned..

   certain that the news companies are now just making stuff up to try and scare us because I've just seen the headline 'KILLER CUCUMBER CLAIMS 10 LIVES.'

   Sometimes I need to recheck my facebook account to remember what I did this past weekend. 

   you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED.

   The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

   Ran into a fat guy with big sideburn chops. He looked like a cross between Chris Farley and Ron Jeremy.

   ■Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?

   I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning

   Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.

   Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate

   I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.