Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *girl look's at her moms drivers license* Girl: Mom, I know why dad left you! mom: Oh yeah, why? Girl: Because you got an F in sex.

   likes calling Ketchup, "meatloaf hot fudge".

   Drunk sex is ok, but drunk hugs are frantastic

   OMG! Only 151 more shopping days until New Rapture, October 21st!

   I take my garbage & recycling to the curb 2 days before pickup just to see if the neighbors are actually paying attention to anything else sinister I may be up to and answer, “No; pickup is tomorrow, I'm quite sure of it.”

   That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)

   Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   Community Service Announcement - When attempting the Karma Sutra always be sure to stretch first, else you may end up pulling something!

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

   wondering if Harold Camping is going to stop picking random dates for the end of the world when we reach 2013 and his Mayan calender has expired

   You know you've made a serious vocational error, if you're covered in blood, crap, or oil by 6am.

   Sometimes, you have to burn the bridge behind you to clearly see the road ahead.

   Get ready for the Rapture 6.0 on October 21st. Yay I have time to get my blunt force zombie hunting weapons ready!

   you know you have been drinking to much when a cop get's behind your car and you ask yourself if you had been drinking today!

   Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

   The only sex tape I'm familiar with is duct tape.