Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another fun day in Oz, toto

   I remember long ago I was going to make a big splash in this world...Turns out it was only a fart in the tub of life.

   I smell bacon.....I smell pork! Run little piggies cuz I got a fork!

   thinking I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal to use the computer

   Chris Brown: If you had only used Whips & Chains, instead of Sticks & Stones, you may have avoided jail time...

   not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink...I already have one

   rael, I will trade my Obama for your Netanyahu and I will even throw in Joe Biden if you want him........

   wonders who says "open wide" the most, Dentists or Gynaecologists...

   Netanyahu's wife needs to give Michelle Obama a tee shirt that reads, "Don't you wish your husband could be a man like mine?"

   What do you call a monkey thats always exploding? A ba-boom.

   Injunction - the new fragrance for women by Imogen Thomas. Indiscretion - the new fragrance for men by Ryan Giggs.

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   I wish I could find a drug dealer that could get me about 200 mg of Phuckitol.......

   anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?

   Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so f'ked.

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   could go to prison for the things he has typed into his notes app on his Droid