Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Skort: skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt!!

   Diet tip: If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.

   I've been invited to a Post-Rapture looting event but I replied "Maybe attending" because I've also been invited to a Judgement Day event and I need to see how that goes before I decide for sure....

   So, the woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants, lost custody. Sources close to the little girl say she wasn't surprised by the news. Or maybe she was. It's hard to tell.

   Want's to hijack Family Radio and play 48 hours of ACDC for your listening pleasures.

   I hope the people who drive slow in the left lane are the first to go on Saturday.

   rapture tip : Do not approach zombies even if you know them. That is not your Aunt Edna and she doesn't want a hug ... she wants your brains

   rapture tip : Make sure to have marshmallows on hand. When the world explodes it's going to be one hell of a fire.

   rapture tip : It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn't helpful, but it is acceptable.

   When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

   Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader... I didn't have to go to school today.

   My neighbor tried...BUT it is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap!!

   If the rapture is Saturday...I hope the Lord knows that I was listening to the preacher while colorin'

   leave a message and if I don't get back to you I don't like you

   Did anyone else notice the look on Haleys face when they announced Laurens name instead of hers? CLASSIC !!

   Scheming and presenting an outward appearance of good while concealing its opposite...... The sign of the hypocrite.

   i wish it was like the old days when the only thiing I had to worry about was the monster under my bed or which color I wanted to draw a picture

   I hate it that I can't bounce a tic tac on my pencil...

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   I feel like when someone in a heated argument turns to me and says "You agree with me right?" What they are really asking is "Am I going to have to yell at you like this dumbass over here?"