Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   69% of people; find something DIRTY in every sentence

   The single hand that wipes your tears during your failures, is better than the hands that clap for your successes...

   I may not have fulfilled my dream of becoming a rock star just yet, but I will definitely make up for it one day by destroying a couple of keyboard while singing before I leave the office.

   With that big gap between your 2 front teeth , I don't know wether to smile at you or to kick a goal.......

   Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her breasts done

   You'd think that after all these years of practice I'd be good at waking up by now.

   So, from the Terminator to the Governator to the Sperminator?!?

   If you dream big and never give up, you can accomplish anything. Except licking your elbow, give up on that...

   Looks like former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been playing a little game of "Hide the Vienna Sausage".

   "Don't let something that doesn't matter cost you something that does"

   Don't waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   Your girlfriend is Rated E for "EVERYONE"

   If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

   I just saved a bunch of morons on car insurance by telling them that morons shouldn't drive so they don't need insurance.

   wishes that my brain would autocorrect words before they leave my mouth.

   People who persevere are annoying to the rest of us who'd rather quit and go drink.

   I only make mental bets and coincidentally I've lost my mind.

   Irony would be Arnold having an illegitimate son named John Conner

   When I see a woman post consistantly that "All men suck!", I reply with either "Perhaps the problem lies with you." Or "Tell us again who makes the choice to date these a$$holes?"