Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The awkward moment when a Liverpool fan asks what's the time and its 19:18.

   Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.

   If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   When my Droid freezes I instinctively pull the battery out blow on it like a Nintendo game.

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.

   FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.

   Awkward moment for a liverpool fan : when they ask what's the time and its 19:18........

   I like to spend my Monday mornings avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.

   why do they call them Booby traps when there are no Boobs invlolved?

   I love cornbread. Not as much as the woman next to me who has "CORNBREAD" tattooed on her arm... but I love it nonetheless.

   I think it's adorable when people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   I think I may have known Renee Graziano when his name was Ronnie

   Relationships are alot like breaking a horse.. When you first jump on them, they are going to buck and fight and try to take off.. But stay on long enough and they will let you ride them anytime you want!! - Todd

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   Hey Old Navy Mannequins, stop trying so hard, you're embarrassing yourself.

   thinks it's kind of cruel that those people who fought in WWII and survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray are now referred to as 'Seasoned Veterans'....

   To the makers of fruitroll-ups: when I enjoy your deliciousness, I mess up the touchscreen on my smartphone. Work on that please...

   The best thing that Donald Trumb did was fired himself.

   I want to be a pharmacist. Just so I can yell "Now take your suppositories and shove'em straight up your a$$!"

   Why cant the apocalypse be sunday I have so much crap to do saturday..!!!!