Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a funny cigarette and a $2 bottle of wine and a beautiful blonde with me tonight!! Life can't get no sweeter!!

   The Count from Sesame Street had OCD, right?

   Was once told by a farmer that thongs are like barb-wire fence. It protects the property without blocking a great view.

   I like to go into diners and quietly start conversations with strangers about eggs and the apocalypse.

   to do list- 1) shoot video confession. 2) sign over house and children to the bank. 3) make fritters for Parole Officer.

   They say, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get". Maybe its just me but........wont you get........chocolate??

   has beat anorexia, thanks everyone for your support, now pass the bacon buffet

   Chivalry is dead. And women killed it.

   condoms please; --need a bag?; --no need, this time she's not that ugly

   realized that alcohol is not the answer,it just makes you forget the question

   What others perceive,what others think,what does that has to do with you? World's a game,why you should be playing by their rules

   Who can really hear themselves thinking?

   Everyone has their obsession, consuming thoughts,consuming time

   The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you're talking to yourself..!!

   wonderbra was designed by Harry Houdini

   Its hard to work when the theme song to the Gummi Bears cartoon is running through your head

   if you post that you are sleeping, you are clearly a liar.

   if you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.

   Wonderbra: So named because once you get it off her, you wonder where the boobs went.

   wondering if Saddam ever said to Osama 'What you need to do is employ people who look exactly like you so they can be found instead.'