Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

   I hate When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

   On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ( the shoplifters special??)

   The single hand that wipes your tears during your failures is better than the countless hands that come together to clap you on your success.

   I think that the Goo Goo Dolls & Lady Gaga should go on tour together...the Goo Goo Gaga Tour!!

   I just ate Skittles for the first time in 30 years. I hate to tell you this... but the rainbow tastes like crap.

   No... I'm not lazy... I'm just resting up for my 30's... (I got a lot planned)

   wishes Narnia was real, then she would have more room in her closet...

   REALLY don't know what this flys problem is outside smackin up against my window..but I'm sorry...I won't let him in, I don't trust strangers...

   I DONT HAVE ANY TEQUILA... BUT THERE'S NO REASON you CANT STILL LICK, SUCK AND SWALLOW

   I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!

   Just found out, Microsoft bought skype for $$8.5Mil??? Idiots !!!! I knw Bill Gates has the money, but that fool could have downloaded it for freee !!

   Why is paracetamol white?......... because it works.

   Expect the Best, be prepared for the Worst, F$%k what others think & do your own thing!

   I'm glad won first place at the tournment. But somehow being know as "County Cornhole Champion" doesn't sound all that great.

   I wish the Dollar Store would sell gas...

   Height of tension:Obama updated his status on Facebook "Osama is dead."Justice has been done,after a few minutes Obama gets a notification "Osama has liked your status ".

   just named the skidmarks in my underware"Maria"!.Its kinda like diahrea,but its dried up and the same old crap!

   switched to an electric car but then my electric bill went up......

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."