Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The '60s are gone, dope will never be as cheap, sex never as free, and the rock and roll never as great." Abbie Hoffman

   Thank you Mom for everything you have taught me over the years.....especially that toilet training thing.. I can't tell you how many times THAT has come in handy!!

   Best advice my mom ever gave me .. "Marry a girl with small hands because it will make your pecker look bigger."

   Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's that have touched my life and an unhappy one to all the Motherf#*ckers that I encounter everyday!

   received a reply from an X-Box Micro-softy telling me that the 'Red Circle of Death' is a 'Red Ring of Death'.... Well soooo sorry! But have you considered gatting a life or at the very least a sense of humor?

   Drinking & driving is extremely dangerous. Yesterday evening while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate right turn and someone stole my beer...

   I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there

   HAPPY HOT MAMA DAY... to all the MILFs out there! :)

   Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads

   Music is my drugs, Youtube is my DEALER, VEVO are the COPS

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   A big thankyou goes out to the inventors of texting on cell phones and social networks like Twitter! Teaching women to say what they really mean in 140 characters or less! Something men have been trying to teach them to do since the cave man.

   Dear mom, You may have seen me naked when I was a baby, but that was 15 years ago. Sincerely, please learn to knock.

   that awkward moment when your sisters new boyfriend is sitting on the porch and doesn't realize my WHOLE family was watching him when he wiped his booger on the front porch!

   Saw an ad in the paper about making money buying abandoned self storage units. Or as I like to call it: entry level grave robbing.

   Dear Vanilla Ice, how does one rock a mic like a Vandal? By sacking Rome?

   47% of Detroit residents cannot read. No kidding, they would have read the signs welcoming them to Detroit and leave.

   I love the look of sad laker fans! D-rose is the new league superstar, go sit down Kobe!

   People should stop arguing about ps3 and. Xbox. We all know the best system is was and always will be the nintendo 64!

   Mother's Day, the celebration after those three little words..."I am late."