Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if people with foot fetishes get off on watching the Flinstones?

   so nice to see that the ex g/f who said I would never amount to anything just take my order at Taco Bell

   the best part of waking up on Sunday morning after heavy [artying on a Saturday night, is the ability to pee in two different directions at the same time.

   I tried to play uno with my mexican friend's but they kept stealing the green cards

   If men can go around joggin shirtless... I believe "SOME" women should be able to do the same as well!

   Chloroform makes a fine cologne... Every girl falls for me

   They say Osama was buried at sea because the U.S. would not have wanted there to be a grave site for fear of it turning into a place of worship for bin Laden's followers. I sure hope that all of his followers go to visit him at his place of burial

   Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's piano? Neither has he.

   I just wanted Apple to know that I am still waiting for my iToilet.

   To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.

   If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

   ...today's the day we mother's get some relief from the curse OUR mother's handed down when they told us "one day you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!!" Have a great MOM'S DAY everyone!! =D

   Attention Al Qaeda recruits: Due to recent events, practice on the hand over hand monkeybars will be cancelled indefinitely.

   what is the differance between a black guy and a large pizza?? a large pizza can feed a family!

   I guess Mother's Day is kind of awkward to a woman who has had multiple abortions. Thanks mom for not pulling the plug on me! Happy Mothers Day. :)

   Today the rest of you women don't matter til' Monday...and when Tuesday rolls around a couple of you still won't matter.

   not sure why any man would be in a polygamist relationship just increases the odds of having a psycho ex wife.

   "Cushion for the Pushin", embrace the Curves...

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   BBC NEWS: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up killing at least 2 people. Now my maths isn't that great but surely there's a minimum of 8 people killed there.