Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is "good-bye."

   What kind of president would Donald Trump be? A combination of George Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Bernie Madoff.

   The republican party are "carnival barkers"

   I think McGlovin and Obama got their ID at the same place

   Wanna feel confident and attractive? Me too! Let's all get drunk!

   i dont get it? if pandas eat bamboo all the time why are they so fat???

   im two short of a three sum. wheres ben&jerry?

   Twitter was invented to teach women how to communicate silently in 140 characters or less.

   The only Royal Crown I'm interested in at 4am is some Crown Royal..

   Now accepting applications for FWB. Several positions open. Please email me photos and resume.

   You're lucky to be born so beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

   Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

   all the QUEEN'S horses and ALL the QUEEN'S MEN could not get me up at 4am for THOSE wedding SHENANIGANS!!!

   Wanna get laid? Just crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!

   Due to the highly confidential nature of my job, I am not allowed to know what I am doing.

   rRjection is tough, I heard that your hand fell asleep on you last night

   Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

   Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?

   Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.