Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Royal Wedding+Media=Dead Horse

   Am I the only one who has ever deleted a 'friend' just to use their status that was funny?

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   Hey, hustler on the corner... you know what drug I would buy from you? Claritin-D 24... but you never have any.

   thinking since we can get President Obama to show us his birth certificate... I'm now wondering if Sarah Palin's boobs are real? ;)

   Why are the people who tell you to calm down always the ones who pissed you off in the first place?

   heard Barack Obama is demanding to see Donald Trump's death certificate.

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.

   Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.

   I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.

   In honor of those who would if they could… I'm going back to bed.

   Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

   The two big events seem to be the Royal Wedding, and the NFL draft, Why not combine the two and see What postion does William take Kate in the First Round!!

   It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

   FACT: If you don't own a suit, you get to stay in your twenties forever.

   It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise.

   I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.

   OMG! Got an invite to The Royal Wedding! YES! Wait, oh crap, it's for the wedding of Ted and Nancy Royal in Columbus, OH.

   save a tree...eat a beaver