Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would sell my soul for a cookie and a nap right now

   Cancel my subscription! I am tired of your Issues....

   Bank of America credit card: $6,469.43, Citi credit card :$4,710.89, Chase credit card: $1,434.85... Figuring out that your Ex-Girlfriend wasn't the one.........................................................EXPENSIVE!!!! FML LOL

   Dear Liver, I'm sorry I abused you this weekend. My drinking habits have caused you pain a damage once again. I will make it up to you by not drinking for at least a week or until someone offers me a drink. Please don't be mad at me and continue to functi

   Dear attractive teenage grocery checkout girl, please don't judge me for buying 3 cucumbers, 1 light bulb, a jar of jelly and 2 tubes of KY.

   from South Africa and no we don't have Lions in our backyards ;)

   so hungry i'm starin' at my candlestick hopin' he's come to life, sing me 'be our guest' n prepare me a dancing yummy feast !!

   If Americans are going to start complaining about their dwindling water supply because they can't keep their golf courses and their hollywoods watered they should start by extracting it from their BEER

   The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.

   I have no idea how I got 80% of my stuff.

   Life doesn't come with instructions, so why live as if it also comes with rules?

   The only thing worse than the truth are the lies that are told to cover it up.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: A passenger side drive-thru window for their complicated orders.

   67.By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

   Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.

   There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

   To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   it just me or does Justin Bieber's new haircut make him look like Marcy Darcy from "Married With Children"?