Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   How do you get off a non-stop flight?

   that most of the status updates published here in the last 4 months has become soooo lame.. nothing creative..

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   Why is it that the seats on airplanes can be used as a floatation device? I'd feel much safer if it could be used as a parachute.

   Johnny,if you have 13 chocolate bars.Then you give 5 to Anita,4 to Krystyn n 4 to June. What'll you have? Johnny: 3 new girl friends

   I'm devestated! My entire bank account has been wiped clean. Good thing I won that Nigerean lottery a couple of weeks ago!

   I was at the park flying my kite and this random guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   Ne-yo once sang that he is so sick of love song, but why does he continues singing it??? weird...........

   Tights are the most fashionable trend ever. That was what I thought until people started wearing them with short tops, holes in the butt and a camel toe wedgie!

   In hindsight, maybe 10 hours of being warned of a pending apocalypse was too soon to eat my family........

   Happy St. Patrick's Day. with that being said....i don't own any clothing or buttons or ribbons that are green...so if you pinch me....expect a punch to the throat.

   HPAPY ST PTARCIK'S DYA. Kiss me, I'm drunkish!

   how can you tell a japanese prostitute from the others?..she is the one in the fish nets

   Google search the word "BLAP" & have a laugh!!!

   just smacked someone with a book in the face. When they started getting angry, I just told them that I Facebooked 'em.

   A Gingerbread man is a perfect man, he's cute, he's sweet & if he gives you any crap, you can bite his head off,

   May the road stay straight when the driving is up to you May you not get pulled over after you have thrown back a few May the sun rise and not find you still flat on you face And may the rain hold off until you can crawl into your place Cheers.

   Follow your dreams......except those weird ones!

   kiss me I'm Irish, and slip me some tongue cause I think there's a lil french in there too