Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the world is gonna end, I've got to start spending money faster. Anyone up for a party?

   A stark reminder that we're just guests on this planet.

   My lady asked me if we could go out to somewhere expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station.

   BREAKING NEWS!! As a result of the tsunami that hit Hawaii, Barack Obama's birth certificate was finally FOUND... Washed up on shore!! ;)

   lay off the cars and sony stuff and make an earthquake detctor.

   what was that saying from that commercial from the '70's...don't mess with mother nature.

   I thought about shaving my legs today but what's the point? I'm not gonna wear a dress and I'm not having sex, so hairy legs it is :D

   for once I'll like a fortune cookie to tell me, you gonna have hot sweaty sex and is gonna leave you exhausted

   all this coverage of the earthquake, why didnt anyone jump under desks ?

   Hey guys, don't ever show a lot of interest in a woman you just started getting to know. If you do, even if she likes you she will stop showing interest.

   I don't trust the ground I stand on......... Anymore

   Pluto was rejected from the planet category because of its crooked orbit; even our solar system kicks the stumbling drunk guy out of the party."

   If someone says "I'll get back to you"... it apparently means "I'm going to forget we had this conversation."

   Daylight Saving Time this weekend but try not to lose any sleep over it

   Ladies do you suffer from camel toe? Well suffer no longer the cure is here!!! Cut a piece of cardboard to fit your under garments and presto chango no toe!!!

   ☑ Just voted myself as Most Popular on Facebook... Can't wait for the Yearbook!

   I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.

   What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.