Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What? Athletes AND celebrities use their product? Why, I'd be a fool NOT to have my credit card handy when I call!

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

   I just lost my Job, I'm a Winner!!.

   28. They have changed the “Cookie Monster” into the “Veggie Monster” and still let Oscar live in a freakin' trashcan. Moral of the story kids, you can't eat cookies anymore-but because of this go live in a trash can and bitch at anyone coming

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y'all ain't gonna believe this s@%t…”

   Getting ready to go get me a box of Twinkies and Donuts. Duh, Winning.

   scream in a Library, everyone just looks at you, but if you scream on a plane, everyone joins in!!?

   Boob is the perfect word in the dictionary..... the B looks like an aerial view of it, the OO is the front view of it... and the b looks like the side way view of it...(.)(.)

   ...International Women's Day...Cause it's not like you want attention on any other day...

   to all the dead beat dads that messed up their daughters...thanks! Sincerely every guy that likes strippers

   My wife would buy anything. Just this afternoon I came home to find a naked man in her closet.

   I asked my wife why her facebook password was SneezySleepyDopeyDocHappyBashfulGrumpy she said it needed to be seven characters

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with Women. It's all about balance.

   Electrolux - Teaching women their place for over 50 years

   upset :( threw my iPhone with the "flight mode" on, but it didn't fly...

   I'm pretty sure when Charlie Sheen said he had "Tiger Blood" in him, he was referring to the golfer, not the animal. duh!..Winner!

   Immature = a word, boring people use to describe fun people

   There are 206 bones in the human body. This can rise to 209 on a regular basis if your name is Jordan.

   "Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like the side view.

   Radio One DJ Chris Moyles has announced he will perform a record-breaking 37 hour radio show. If rumours are to be believed then during his time on air he will play almost a dozen records.