Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   Raise your hand if you would add your boss as a Facebook friend. Now with the other hand slap yourself in the face.

   Confucious say , he who eat jelly bean, fart in living color.

   If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   I'm waiting till the iPad 1,473 comes out because it will fly you to the moon while you surf the internet.

   this year more than any other I am hoping for a wardrobe malfunction on American Idol!!!

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   Does this comic book collection make me look single?

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   Scott Walker, I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working .

   Read it slow: LIFEISNOWHERE. What did you read? LIFE IS NO WHERE or LIFE IS NOW HERE? Life is as you read it.

   I just recieved my "Magic Jack" as seen on TV. It's important to listen and pay attention. Evidently this "Magic Jack" is some phone/internet crap!

   Charlie Sheen on his carefree spending, to TMZ: "Blame the studio for giving me this much dough knowing who they were giving to." Who would have thought that giving an actor with a history of drug problems $2 MM an episode would have turned out badly.

   I used to believe people wanted to contact me but always found me unavailable. to rectify this I bought a mobile, got BBM, what'sapp, msn, yahoo... what a relief, now I know exactly how many people aren't trying to get in touch with me...

   So I re-watched the Ke$ha video after a half a bottle of wine last night, and not even while intoxicated does that sh*t makes sense! I guess you have to get some blow, to get Blow

   I'm like a cold-cut of amazing sandwiched between two pieces of awesome! Charlie Sheen....I think I wanna marry that crazy Ba*tard, if nothing else having a conversation with him would be AWESOME!

   off to buy some new T-shirts. V necks are in at the moment. Or W necks if you are Siamese twins.

   They've asked me to appear on “I Shouldn't Be Alive.” I didn't survive anything. They just don't like me.

   Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…