Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing scares the government quiet like an educated citizen...

   Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes out their mouth is sh!t.

   I cut my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

   I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

   nothing scares a teacher "quite" like a person who can't spell.

   Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?

   I've perfected the art of the “You're telling me a story that I don't care about, but I'm trying to look interested” face.

   When writing the story of your life... Don't let anyone hold the pen!!!

   cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding....I'm looking at Hustler and having a beer,

   You've just gotta love that awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one's listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.

   looking for a landingstrip to a hanger where I can park my plane in for the night.

   Okay I have time to get an hour of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick but meaningful.

   I think the guy in the Trojan personal messager commercial is way too happy that his girl friend got 3 of them

   Talked to Mom tonight. She said she got a good 8 inches in Albany tonight. God I hope she's talking about snow...

   Where you find true friendship, You find true love.

   FOR SALE: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

   Wisconsin 0...Gov. Walker 1....now go home and put your cheese head hats on.

   Poor Snooki, Charlie Sheen wouldnt even hit that.

   remember when cops really wanted to PROTECT and SERVE and teachers really wanted to EDUCATE children? I miss the 1800's

   Democrats...Republicans...News Media....Racial tension....let's put the blame where it belongs....THANKS EVE, HAVE "ANOTHER " APPLE !!!!!