Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worthwhile.

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.

   If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.

   Vene, Vidi, Vacuum. I came, I saw, It sucked.

   I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.

   Best episode of CSI ever, If only I have the power to turn things into reality... Justin Bieber would be dead for good!

   I need constant reassurance, right?

   I'd like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?

   they make veggie meatloaf?.... Yeah, better wash that down with a warm O'douls

   I wouldn't wanna be around when one of the guys from ZZ Top eats an egg salad sandwich.

   If a hungry cannibal choped your head open, there wouldn't even be enough to cover a water biscuit...

   Congratulations, since the Zombie Apocolypse occured you no longer have anyone human to bully you about being brainless...

   What does A gay horse eat? Heeeeeeyyyy!!

   prentends to be a russian gymnast when left alone in a elevator

   You can keep your justin bieber I only listen to bands like ZZ top at least I know they can grow facial hair

   I wish you people would punctuate and capitalize your sentences correctly. It makes copying and pasting easier.

   Daytona 500 today! In related news, I'm watching some paint dry.

   Jersey Shore is proof that the Zombie Apocolypse has started and the feast has begun

   whats the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered womens shelter? The dishes if she knows what good for her!