Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh you want me to "make time" for you? Well, if I could "make time" I wouldn't be wasting that skill on you.

   Who decided to make it a 12 step program for A.A…I mean why steps…I think steps would be the last thing they'd wanna maneuver…

   Just texted "I still love you" to about 50 random phone numbers.

   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

   Dont you just hate it when someone asks you to guess their age, and then you minus off 5 years of what you really think, hoping its enough?

   Having sex is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

   Too bad you can't photoshop your ugly personality.

   I warned my daughter and I'll warn you too......I- Phone owners should not download the Pregnancy test App..... Peeing on you phone will only destroy it !!

   My ex calls me up and says "My panties are wet" and I said "I'll be right over" and she said "Bring your tools, the washer's broke again"..........and then I hung up on her..

   You know you've been married to long when your wife's favorite toy in bed is an Iphone

   I don't use the expression, "I beg to differ." If my opinion is different than yours I'm not going to beg to express it.

   needs some good ole fashioned meaningless casual sex.

   : Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.

   What does Spurs, Arsenal and Paul McCartney have in common? They all get excited over one leg.

   Yahoo News; 'Two Sharks Attack Diver' Nice to see FIFA have toughened up on the punishment!

   Happier than a Redneck driving a race car!!!!!

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   I need a get-thin-quick scheme.

   Why do people lie and cheat? Because they know its easier to get foregiveness than permission.

   "Red, yellow, blue, yellow, yellow, red." -The lyrics to "Walk This Way" as performed on Guitar Hero