Funny Status Messages

   Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

   Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

   A bunch of helicopters should be called hellacopters.

   If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.

   My brother in-law just called with some terrible news.. He tasted a bag of white powder he found in his son's backpack and his worst fears were realized... Gymnastic chalk.

   I think those status updates that's say copy and paste this status so I'll know who's reading my status are stupid. Copy and paste this status if you agree.

   I'm so old I went to a Natural History Museum and the guards thought I escaped.

   Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

   A slice of apple pie is $1.40 in Jamaica, and $2.60 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

   *Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

   So, no baseball, hockey or basketball. What's next? No cornhole?

   We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color.

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   If you're not gaining weight during the pandemic you ain't high enough

   If dispensaries don’t offer “herb side pickup”, they are really missing out on a prime opportunity.

   Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

   has anyone tried unplugging 2020,wait 30 seconds then plugging it back in?

   *Love in the time of coronavirus* Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

   Someone told me they never understood the concept of cloning, I replied "That makes two of us"