Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.

   All that glitters is not gold; its got daddy issues.

   Some people don't always get asked out on a date. But when they do, it's usually on April 1st.

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   A stranger accidentally touched my arm today and now I have to get drunk to forget about it.

   For a long term relationship to work the amount of times she's a pain in the ass has to equal the amount of times he causes pain in her ass.

   Looks like they used up all the power trying to revive Wyclef’s career.

   When I see a drink written “non-alcoholic”, it makes me feel very violent.

   A speed bump but made out of my ex.

   Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.

   Try as you might, ladies, giraffes will always have the deep throat category on lock.

   Sorry I pissed on your leg. I thought you were flirting with me.

   "I hate fake people," Danny announced as he pushed the store mannequin over and kicked it in the torso.

   My pool is safe for swimming again if you guys wanna come over. No way snakes can survive now with the amount of gasoline I dumped in it.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   What's the difference between Tango and Rohypnol? You know when you've been Tangoed.

   "this hurts me more more than it hurts you." I say as I burn my own hand with a lighter in front of my son, unsure what the lesson is.

   She loves me *pluck* She loves me not *pluck* What? This bird only has two wings?

   What kind of children go to heaven? Dead ones.

   Stupid people really irritate me. I wish I could piss on some people and sprinkle some wisdom on them.