Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If she really loves her cat, then that's who's making the most important decisions in her life.

   Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.

   Work is really getting in the way of me going home and drinking wine in my underwear.

   Your life sounds very interesting. Tell me more about your dog.

   Don't judge a book by its cover but you can judge a girl by the quality of her baby toe.

   Contrary to popular belief, cats actually love water. You just have to set them on fire first.

   You call it a train wreck I call her my daughter.

   If the shoe fits, don't just wear it, strut that s hit b itch.

   Happy couples are annoying and disgusting, I hope me and my girlfriend never get happy.

   Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   Introduce me to your parents at your own risk.

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts.

   KEEP CALM. There is enough pu$$y in the world for everyone, even for lesbians too.

   Congratulations on graduating community college! Alright let's practice, I'll ask for a fish filet combo with a sprite, now what do you say?

   Look, I don’t even trust myself so explain to me why in the hell I should trust you?

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me a jerk, I'd buy an iPad.

   Even grudges have feelings. They like it when you hold them.

   I think it's safe to assume that Nick Stahl is dead from an overdose and his body is probably out in the Nevada desert laying against a Joshua tree by now....I mean his character from Terminator wasn't too put together either.