Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

   Excuse me sir; you left your weird Jesus pamphlet on your bus seat. Oh yeah? Well here's a revelation for you: that's called littering.

   Why did humans invent hell, when there are enough real things to be scared of, like emotional commitment, marriage and a woman on her period.

   I can't believe Mary's parents bought that whole "pregnant virgin" thing.

   I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

   How is everyone holding up? It's been a crazy night! I have just beheaded 30 zombies. But why the hell are they all carrying candy?!?

   Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

   According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

   I can't believe you're mad that I put a baby in you while you were sleeping. You obviously don't appreciate the degree of difficulty.

   If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker.

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please

   Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   How can I get on one of these disappearing planes?

   Just remember that you don't own anything that won't burn.

   Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive.

   Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?

   Christmas; Another day of choreographed kindness and fake concern.