Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Some were born to stalk, some were born to be stalked.

   George Clooney could have any woman he wanted. Yet he's out fighting for peace in a third world country... What a moron

   If people ask how many kids you have don't say negative two. No one wants to hear about your abortions.

   a restraining order just her way of telling me she's into bondage?

   My last relationship ended when she asked me to take out the trash and I said, ok… where do you want to go?

   Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

   I hate it when people call me sexist. Some of my closest friends belong in the kitchen.

   Mayweather is a Legend. Its just a shame he practices on his girlfriend and kids.

   Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.

   Cemeteries: Saving me on buying flowers since High School.

   A young boy comes home from school one day and says, "Mommy! What's a lesbian?" She replied, "Ask your father when she gets home!"

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   You can't be 100% sure a girl you're talking to on Twitter is really a girl til she gets completely furious at you for absolutely no reason.

   BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!

   Have you tried wrapping your feelings in a tortilla?

   let's get married but instead of kids we have nachos!

   Instagram videos beacuse we wanna know if you are paying for the food you instagram.

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   Nothing tests a woman like having to stop talking for 2 f uckin minutes whilst she’s brushing her teeth

   Sorry I asked for a receipt when you gave me your heart..