Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

   People who own tampon companies have no conscience. How do they sleep at night, with all that blood money?

   Britney Spears is a judge on the X Factor and Khloe Kardashian is a host. Is this a circus or a music competition?

   If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, start dating her best friend.

   People who tell you something then they say "nevermind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers.

   How much for this brick of gold? Sir, that's a block of cheese.

   I'm not a stalker; but you should wipe from front to back.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

   Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole.

   Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend.

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries.

   I'm at my sexiest when I unhinge my jaw to eat a burger

   Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.

   You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!

   Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...

   Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone & go to another person and then another person and still didn't finish stalking the first one.

   I know you were very attractive 30 years ago but that is history now.

   I’m a bad motherf ucker until someone hands me a puppy or a baby.

   If your boyfriend is pierced on both ears and wears earrings or as he likes to call them “studs”, then I am really sorry to inform you that he also has a boyfriend.