Baddie Funny Status Messages

   UGH! A co-worker is here with kids and I don't want to talk to them, so I'm trying to look busy. This is the hardest I've worked all week!

   The best way to avoid getting fired is to avoid getting hired.

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   Heard a rap song that didn't mention money, cars or hoes...Now i'm frantically trying to remember whether I took the blue or green pill!

   90% of the girls I've dated, I got their pants off with my humor. The other 10% were passed out, so I had to take them off myself.

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   Why do these guys with premature ejaculation problems just come out of nowhere.

   my doctor told me to stay off alcohol until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 98 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   My wife thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!

   I often carry a knife round in my pocket, when on days out with the family in the summer. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.

   Upon entering a room I announce "what smells in here?" just in case I fart later. That way I'm covered.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.

   My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.