Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If Phil Collins doesn't sing 'Coming in the HAIR tonight' as he jizzes in a girl's face, then why is he even bothering to be Phil Collins?

   I smoke cigarettes so that people will walk up to me and talk about death.

   Give a white girl a fish and she'll freak out because fish are gross. Teach a white girl to fish and she'll be like "but I want Starbucks"

   Accidentally ran over a guy and I stopped to call the ambulance but then I saw his ponytail. Now I'm treating myself with ice cream.

   Maybe cops who plant evidence just really love gardening.

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.

   I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   You know how people tend to become like their pets and vice versa? My dog needs a liver transplant.

   I don't know why it's so hard for ugly people to get laid. Just get together with each other. Problem solved.

   Next time Rodman visits his friend KIM in North Korea, just don't let him back into USA. Problem solved.

   Vegetarians, your boyfriends want to break up with you.

   If your significant other doesn't reply to your text within 5 minutes, they're out cheating on you.

   Buses are just limos for poor people.

   All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it blue it's a boy? Pink it's a psycho?

   I can tell within 19 seconds of meeting you if our sex is going to be consensual or not..

   I don't understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?