Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks

   Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape

   I'm that dude that responds to your text 3 weeks later with ;)

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.

   How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!

   Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.

   People that think they know you better than you know yourself, is the reason why throat punching was invented

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

   The great thing about hanging up on someone is you can no longer hear them talking.

   This election is like choosing how you want to be killed. Sir, here are your two choices. Do you want to be killed with a Hillary or a Donald?

   In hell, for your birthday, they give you socks in a PS4 box.

   Boss: what the hell is wrong with you? Me: one time I listened to a Bruno Mars song.

   For me the end of the world was when I had to start working for a living.

   I just want to do my part. Are prostitutes a small business?

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   I like picking up lone hitchhikers cause then when I am pulled over the weed is his.

   Fellas: She exercises with a Shake Weight to perfect her hand job, marry her

   Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!