Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Before I fall in love I usually fall over the barstool.

   The first thing I do when I answer the phone is hang up.

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   I hate the moon mainly because it's something I have to share with Nicki Minaj.

   I just wanna be the reason your therapist can afford to buy a Mercedes

   If you use the word “extravaganza” in a poster for your party I immediately assume it will be held in a retirement home.

   If there is a hell, I already know that I'm going there. So at this point of my life, it's really go big or go home.

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.

   When a fat person writes, "LMFAO"... I see "Laughing My FAT Ass Off"

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.

   My son just said he doesn't like bacon and now I have to kill the mailman

   I'll bet 9 out of 10 of you guys here have no pants on.

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally

   Do strippers have nightmares about going to work fully clothed?

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   God talked to J ews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.