Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.

   In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now.

   Yesterday I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

   Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?

   My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.

   I think it's pointless to haggle over price with hookers when you're just going to kill them anyway and take your money back.

   I've given up begging my girlfriend to swallow. From now on, she can deal with her anorexia on her own.

   Only way I'm having sex for 3 hours is if we taking a nap for the first 2hrs 56 min

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.

   There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And single men who own cats!

   People that are happy, keep that sh*t between you and your drug dealer, no one else cares

   How much for the love drug? Sir, that's chloroform

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   Moonwalking into exam rooms is how I let patients know they are going to die.

   Who's in charge of the Facebook awards this year? I have a few names to submit for the "most likely to commit bestiality" category.

   A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.

   Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.

   Ice cream never asks silly questions. Ice cream understands.

   Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.

   If there's no chance it can give me a heart attack then I'm not interested in eating it.