Baddie Funny Status Messages

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.

   There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.

   Brush your teeth before you complain.

   Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

   People without profile pictures are terrorists.

   I am woman, hear me Blah, Blah, Blah.

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.

   Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake

   A car full of sluts is called a fish tank

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on

   If you wear pants in your own home why did you even buy a house

   If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"

   Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.

   "You don't have to send your mother anything today, we already paid her enough." - Gay dad

   Siri, when is Jesus coming back?

   My girlfriend said she's sick of me 'always being RIGHT'.... So I LEFT

   If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.