Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry.

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   5 missed calls from your girlfriend means you have missed a good night. 5 missed calls from your wife means....that you are screwed!

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

   Girl on the bus keeps looking at my crocs. This is how sex starts. Watch and learn virgins.

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke?

   It's hard to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle; you want to be manly, but you don't want to wake her up.

   When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?

   Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.

   Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?

   I dreamed about you slowly unzipping my pants, but I know that's just a fantasy. Because I'm not wearing pants.

   If you're doing it right there's no need for lube.

   I am done making fun of fat people, they have enough on their plate already.

   I'm not celebrating independence day because I still live with my parents.

   Guys, don't take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

   I've got hoes in different area codes. (Yes I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)

   The best time to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping with her best friend is when she starts saying things like "not tonight, I have got a headache"