Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I only laugh halfway to the bank. That's when I remember I don't have an account. Then I cry all the way to the bar.

   I'm relationship intolerant.

   You had me at the correct use of 'their'.

   I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

   Hey Rihanna, do you mind if me if me, Lil Wayne, Drake & the guys skateboard on your forehead?

   Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach obviously never had a blow job.

   You just know Quentin Tarantino has killed at least one hooker.

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   What is it about your mother's basement that makes you so tough on the internet?

   The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies,probably because generally they are the same people!

   I can only take selfies because I'm alonies

   I don't mean to brag but I own several shirts with Dragons on them.

   How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

   No honey, I love your constant input on my driving

   No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.

   Ladies; if you suspect that your man is cheating, take him to that b*tch's front and and see if his wifi connects automatically.

   Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.

   I'm doing 'Mexican Yoga' tonight. It's just sitting at the back of a regular yoga class with a bottle of tequila.

   I was going to have sex with you , but you said okie dokie

   Angry sex is way better than an angry blow job.