Funny Status Messages
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For those of you that watched the debate, I basically did the same thing, only when I was done picking my nose, I had something to show for it 
Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Dear people who are praying for the California wildfires... it's not working.
If you ever drove a car without any power steering, you can literally fight anybody and win.
His billionaire circle-jerk buddy comes from South Africa. His hats come from China. His orders come from Moscow.
The convicted R*pist won 🏆
Most m*g* men are attracted to children.
After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".
I lost my best friend today , I'll never get to see him or hang around or talk to him on the phone again. He got his hand caught in a wedding ring .
My birthday is coming up in less than a year. Just sayin'
Don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers this Christmas as Santa is watching, who's also a delivery guy.
Found out today that my ex needs a liver transplant,I'm not worried though ,she hasn't rejected an organ in 40 years
The "impending snowstorm" is just a conspiracy by Big Weather to get you to buy more milk, bread, and toilet paper.
Itss so cold outside my finngers are so numb rightt now I could barely tftppye
There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm already doing 70 in a 35 zone. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Just booked a flight & under Special Requests I put “Please land the plane right side up.”
Tens of thousands of Veterans and Government workers who are out of a well earned pension as they find themselves forced out of a job. But he's a hero because he's assisting in a quick rocket trip to the space station? Keep sucking Elons c*** and balls.
Tesla lost about $38.2 BILLION in market capitalization today. Happy Tuesday, y'all! 