Funny Status Messages

   No one takes swearing under oath seriously these days. What a slap in the face to God.

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   ONE SIMPLE QUESTION: WHY ARE YOU LETTING ONE MAN SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROY YOUR NATION RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES? Love, Germany

   In the US, we call it "Alt Right" In Germany, the call it, "Why grandpapa lives in Argentina"

   It really sucks being in your late 30's early 40's. Last month I just coughed the wrong way, and my back went out for a week.

   Last night a guy told me, "Often, bearers of false light destroy what they profess to enlighten," and I said "Don't get wise with me!"

   My business portfolio is a cigarette butt inside an empty beer bottle.

   My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

   Do people actually believe in their ridiculous conspiracy theories, or are they just trolling?

   I don't know what I'd do without Instagram there to show me unrealistic photos of women I never see in day to day life.

   I just had a physical. The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "You mean like bacon and burgers?" He said, No, fatty. Don't eat anything."

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".

   To all politicians: Keep sending me texts and I can promise you one thing - I won't be voting for you!

   Maybe we were too hard on JJ Abrams for "Somehow Palpatine returned."

   Being human requires no apologies. Being a jerk does.

   The only bad thing about my seven figure salary is that it includes a decimal point.

   Bills are like hominy; better when you don't have any on your plate.