Funny Status Messages

   I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do... It's because I missed my exit.

   Drones over New Jersey? That's just Amazon delivering Christmas presents. No biggie.

   Envy, laziness Envy, laziness, and incompetency gave birth to communism.and incompetency gave birth to communism.

   Damn, I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   Under Florida law, Bengay has been ordered to change their name to Benstraight.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a Fold cycle? Come on. It's 2022 for chrissake. Work on that.

   Thinking about the time I bought 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

   I realized how non-materialistic I am. To me, a step up the social ladder isn't a new car, house, or clothes... it's the rare occasion when I line the waste paper basket in the bathroom with a Target bag instead of one from Wal-Mart.

   If no one told you that you're beautiful today well I'm not about to start. Move on.

   I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

   My church serves noodles at Communion. we're Ramen Catholics

   Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of the 18th floor night club, was not a bouncer.

   There is more than one way to skin a cat but the cat doesn't like any of them.

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   Egg Nog gives head.

   Snapchat isn’t working. It’s the end of the world!

   I guess Joe Jackson coulsnt even 'Beat it' to death

   When I was a kid, we used to call tobacco stores and ask "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" And when they said "Yes we do" we'd say "Well why don't you let him out!?"

   New Lockdown laws...Screw child labour laws. Going to gather up the neighbourhood kids and build an ARK....actually scratch that, lumber pricing is ridiculous...going to build a Death Star.