Funny Status Messages

   Fuel prices are so high under the Biden administration, he is now suggesting we fart on our wallets for gas money.

   You might say I am a Social Influencer. Well, OK. I'm a bad influence but still....

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   I went to see Oppenheimer, but the line was really long and I was getting a little hungry, so I went to the Barbie queue.

   Friends come and go, but pizza is forever.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up. works everytime.

   The female version of teabagging is called flapuccino.

   Today at the Buffet I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   It's my birthday! I'm finally at that age where I can switch from health food to preservatives.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* so sorry

   what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

   I'm glad the earth is solving our over-population problem. Keep it up, mother earth.

   R. M. Was turned down on his offer to play santa at an all girls middle school.

   I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make". When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." Then I realised, I was playing the bee side.

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.

   I wonder if black ants and red ants have a beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

   “Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

   Closest I’ve come to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

   Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.