Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm at the point in my life where I can do what I want, when I want to do it and without answering to anyone. I call that point divorce.

   If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

   Be a lady until you're in the bedroom.. Or kitchen, living room, on the floor or against the wall. You know what, just be a lady in public.

   Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"

   People who get out of bed the first time the alarm rings. What's it like to be a demon?

   Not sure if I'm craving something sweet or salty and now I know exactly how Bella felt with Edward and Jacob.

   I don't know how the Canadian anthem isn't just people apologizing.

   I know just enough Spanish to buy the drugs I like.

   Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.

   Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.

   My wife says she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic.

   Spoiler alert: Spoilers on cars are stupid.

   Was Sharknado made just so they could finish off a reel?

   It's like I'm the only one in this gym who thinks groin fitness is important.

   I would rather pick up a used condom than your call.

   another olympics, another stern letter to Australians reminding them kangaroos aren't athletes.

   No pants are the best pants.

   If you’re gonna use the word ‘horny’, you’d better be attractive. Otherwise, cut that s hit out.

   I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible

   Morning wood starts the best fire.